Engagement Part 1
“It is not good that the man should be alone” Genesis 2:18 (KJV)
Becoming Engaged
Once you believe the dating season has helped you see what you want in a marriage, and you have found a special connection with someone who could potentially be “the one,” preparing for that season is an exciting time in your life.
Get opinions from your accountability team about your potential plan. Allow them to speak into your life about any concerns before a final decision is made. Their feedback may just challenge you to consider a few things you may overlook.
Use your accountability partners to examine your core beliefs about your potential mate:
Can this person be counted on to follow through with what he/she says?
Can he/she trust you to keep your word?
Has your relationship improved over the last six months to a year?
Has each of you asked God whether you are the right person for each other?
It’s normal and healthy to meet someone flawed because all of us are. Everyone comes into a relationship with baggage – no one’s perfect. Your goal should be to communicate to see if the two of you are like-minded. This will help if the two of you get married one day because conflicts arise in every marriage. You can avoid major issues early on by having a plan in place and always agreeing to take any conflicts to the Lord.
It’s critical to date someone long enough to see him or she go through hardships, so you can discover his or her weaknesses. Infidelity, abuse, and addictions should not be taken lightly. Finding out any hidden struggles beforehand avoids surprises on your wedding day or in your marriage.
If however, you choose to date someone who has an addiction, and that person is seeking help and wants to change, enter the courtship with forgiveness and a supportive mindset. Keep in mind, however, there are no guarantees that change will be successful, and addiction can be a life-long struggle. Even if in the end you decide to be platonic friends instead of romantic, this friendship will be lifelong. As someone with addiction, you are not alone – work with your counselor on the best way to incorporate your partner.
HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR MARRIED LIFE?
Once you’re engaged, talk to a marriage counselor before the wedding plans are made. Getting advice from a counselor provides neutral ground for developing communication skills you will need for your future life as a married couple.
This can help prevent stressors that require counseling after marriage. It also provides support and accountability to both of you as you learn to communicate with each other more effectively. Even if the problem does not conclude – you will have laid a foundation for further work down the road.
Consider the following for a successful marriage:
Get joint counseling
Have an accountability couple mentor you
Guard your heart and mind
Live within your financial means
Learn to laugh more and enjoy your engagement process. All work and no play can make life unbearable, so plan for fun and enjoy your journey. God has given us so much to be thankful for in our everyday lives. We often take these blessings for granted until we face the realization we still are not happy with where we are/have.
Make a List of Expectations
Set goals in your relationship to reach your God-given dreams. Goals help set the direction for these dreams as you determine the steps necessary to achieve them. Each of you (separately) should write where you want to see yourselves in the next one to five years and switch papers to see what the other wrote.
If you struggle with this question, think of other marriages you admire. Use them as examples of what you might want to achieve as a couple. Or, think of areas where you are facing challenges and write what you want to eliminate.
Write your ideas together, sharing thoughts and objectives. This is extremely healthy in providing a significant path for your family to follow. Since each of your desires will be highlighted from the very start, this exercise can help draw you closer as you see those desires being fulfilled.
So instead of becoming stagnant and growing apart, you will naturally want to hold each other accountable for your goals and objectives so you achieve the quality lifestyle you are seeking as a couple.
Make a List of Deal-Breakers
Make a list of items that would cause you to walk away from your relationship if the other party decided to engage in them. This may be a tough and scary step but should be considered mandatory.
Are you involved in a relationship where some of these demeaning offenses have occurred? Here are a few examples to include in your list of deal-breakers: abuse (Physical, Sexual, Verbal, Mental, Emotional, etc. ); having an affair, or being controlling or jealous.
Here are questions to consider:
Do they blame everyone except themselves for problems that arise?
Does he/she isolate you?
What behavior do they display when they’re upset?
Is there any yelling or name-calling? Or are you able to discuss issues in a civilized manner?
Is there any infidelity, abuse, gambling, anger addictions, etc., between you two?
Do they look at porn?
Are they secretly talking, texting, emailing, going to coffee, and going out with other people?
If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, please get help right away!
